Sleepless In The Lou
Another night in my battle with the ghosts in my head.
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This Silence
I cry out, longing to be heard. Where are you? Why have you left me? I feel alone, caught in a whirlwind of emotions I can’t explain or control. The darkness sweeps over me like a flood raging out of control. When I cry out, all I hear is silence. The silence is deafening. It
No Bedroom, No Friends, and a Paddle: What Texas Taught Me About Pain, Shame, and Becoming a Man
As the saying goes, “Everything’s bigger in Texas.” I can attest to the accuracy of it. Having lived in central Texas for nearly two years as a child, “Everything’s bigger in Texas“—for me—is my pain. I’m approaching 52 with over three decades enduring trauma on the frontlines as a career firefighter—and some of my most
Faith at Fifteen Feet: Fighting Fear With Fire
With unwavering command in his voice, my Lieutenant looked at me, looked down at the fire hose on the ground between us, then looked up at the thick black smoke pushing out of the second floor window. “Get that nozzle in the window! Yesterday!” As my eyes moved from the ground up the beams of
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From Self-Loathing to Self-Discipline: A 38-Year Comeback
The year was 1987. A gallon of gas was $.87. “The Simpsons” debuted on T.V. “Dirty Dancing” and “Fatal Attraction” dominated the box office. U2 released the hit, “With or Without You.” We saw the first appearance of the GIF picture format, changing internet culture forever. The Iran-Contra affair scandal unraveled in the U.S. The
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A Weekend of Firsts
I originally wrote this little note back in December, 2015. I found it hiding in the “drafts” folder this week, so out it comes…to be shared where it should’ve been shared nine and half years ago. Man, in many ways that seems like a lifetime ago…so far in the past…and in so many other ways
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What the Hell Am I Doing? My Reflections on GTE-49 Part 2
This is part 2 of a 3 part series reflecting on my experience completing my first GTE. You can read part 1 here. ____ A GTE, or Grow Ruck Training Event, is meant to test the physical, mental and emotional limits of the men who participate, to grow their leadership skills by taking them to
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What The Hell Am I Doing? Reflecting On My GTE-49 Experience
This is part 1 of a 3 part series. ____ On a warm, October evening, on a football field at St. Pius High School in Festus, Missouri, 119 men “stepped off” for GTE-49, embarking on a 15-hour overnight heavy ruck through the hills of Jefferson County. Not sure how long we’d be out there, where
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Faith, Fellowship, and Finishing the Job
It was the early spring in 2012. I set out with a lofty goal of replacing the Masonite siding on our house with vinyl siding. I envisioned it would take me a month or two…maybe three at the most. Worst case scenario, I’d have it done by the end of the summer. Looking back on
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Choosing Myself, One Page at a Time
Confession time. I have a problem. I can’t walk into a bookstore and come out not having bought AT LEAST one. And they’re almost always in the self help, personal improvement/growth genre. But my addiction to books has traditionally ended there. Reading them is a whole different thing. The small library I’ve amassed over the
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Battling the Epidemic of Male Loneliness
After starting my college education at the ripe young age of 18, I’ve finally completed my Bachelors Degree! At the ripe young age of just 51 years old, I recently submitted the following as my capstone paper. I wouldn’t normally post something this long here, but I am. I shared it with a good friend
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Finding Focus in the Storm
Even though I’m fast asleep, I know this is a dream. I’m on the “Scrambler”, the amusement park ride that spins riders in small circular motions while the whole ride also rotates in a larger circle. I get nauseous every time, which is why you’ll rarely never find me on one nowadays. The sensation that
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