From People Pleaser to Self-Healer: The Dr. Pepper Revelation

I have a bittersweet relationship with Dr. Pepper.

In one sense, a rather fond one at that, Dr. Pepper reminds me of Mom, as it was one of her favorite beverages. When I see a Dr. Pepper, or dare to take a sip, it’s like stepping into a time machine to go back to a simpler, care-free time in my life. It’s an exhilarating sip that reminds me in many ways of Mom and the beautiful person she was…and with the passage of time, I can now see the big and little sacrifices she made in how she loved her family, giving us everything she had and pouring her life into serving and loving us. Yes, that’s a refreshing sip of Dr. Pepper.

In another sense, and a not-so-fond one at that, Dr. Pepper reminds me of Texas. Yes, Texas.

Now I’ve got some family in Texas, so if you’re family from Texas and reading this, I only ask that you please do so with an open mind, tuned to the heart of an aging man with wounds from my past that still hurt from time to time and still deeply affect who I am and how I act to this day. In the coming months, I’ll be sharing more about my early, formative years and brief stint living in Texas as a child and how those two years shaped who I am today. For now, that’s a story that’ll have to wait for another day.

I was at the first high school band competition of the season for my 17-year old high school senior recently. I was standing at the back of the equipment truck after helping students and parents unload band equipment and props for the performance. It was a hot, sunny day, and I was sweating from the work…and thirsty. Standing with a group of parents, I was focused on getting to know some new people and reconnecting with others I hadn’t seen since last year’s band season ended. I was focused on relationships and caught up in the moment, if you will. That’s why it caught me off guard.

Matt walked around the back of the truck holding two Diet Dr. Peppers and offered me one. In that blink of an eye, I saw the sweat rolling off the cool can in the late summer heat – like I was in a TV commercial – and I didn’t think twice about accepting his offer. Auto-pilot kicked in, and before I knew it I was opening the can…instantly transported back to a time in my life that is filled with a lot of not-so-fond memories of my time in Texas as a child.

I don’t drink soda anymore. Not because of Texas, though. From age 16 to my mid-30’s, I consumed soda as my drink of choice at (and in between) every meal. I quit over a decade ago, shortly after becoming a father, and the process of detoxing from that poison has done me well, physically and emotionally. I rarely crave it anymore, let alone consider actually acting upon that craving when I do feel it. I’m the guy who will walk a mile in the midwest heat of summer past a line of semi trucks loaded with cold bottles and cans of soda to get to that one cup of water at the end. So it’s uncharacteristic of me to have said yes to his offer.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. A LOT. As I seek to fully step into who I am, I’m slowly unpacking the cobwebs of my past traumas to take ownership of who I am…to become the husband, father, friend, and man God has called me to be. In doing so, I find myself questioning WHY much more than ever before. Why did I just do what I did? Why do I feel a certain way about this experience, or that interaction? Why am I fixated on this or that? Why did I let auto-pilot kick in to accept this Dr. Pepper from a stranger when I didn’t really even want it at all in the first place?

In working to unpack and find an answer to that last question, I’ve uncovered an entire belief system upon which I’ve built my whole life. A belief system that I now know needs to be shattered to pieces and left behind.

I’m currently reading through a book that is changing my life, one page and one nugget of wisdom at a time. In Master of Circumstance, author James Morgan talks about “destroying the 7 illusions that keep you from living life intentionally.” I’ve often referred to the phrase, “not living life intentionally” in the past as my auto-pilot. When we’re not living with intention and purpose in what we think, say and do, we are on auto-pilot. We’re letting someone (or something) else hold the controls, directing us where to go, what to believe, and how to think, act and speak.

And I’ve been on auto-pilot for most (if not all) of my life. I see that now…and like in the Wizard of Oz, once you’ve seen what (or who) is behind the curtain controlling things, you can’t unsee it. You’re forced to see life through that new lens of truth…and either hide from it, or face it head on. Living on auto-pilot is not who I want to be anymore. Like Neo in The Matrix, I’ve chosen the red pill…and all the hard reality and challenging questions that comes with it.

Accepting that Dr. Pepper last week was me on auto-pilot. I think I knew it the instant I felt the cold can touch my hand. And because I recognized it as an auto-pilot response early, I could (should) have stopped it right there…changed my mind and handed it back, passed it on to someone else, or just not opened it at all. But I didn’t.

Nope.

And that’s what I learned from that interaction…that I’m a people pleaser by nature choice. You see what I just did there? Even as I evaluated that thought and typed it out, choosing the word “nature” was an auto-pilot response. Because if I’m a people pleaser by nature, it’s not my fault…I’m powerless to control or change it…it just is who I am. It passes the blame for who I am as a people-pleaser from me to something, or someone else.

For you and I to fully accept who we are as a person (for me, someone who at his core wants to please the people in my life) we have to fully accept that we are to blame for that, not anything, or anyone, else. While our parents, our environment, our upbringing, and the experiences of our past up to now may have played a role in us becoming who we are today, ultimately how you choose to frame those experiences is what defines who you are. It’s a mindset that says, “I cannot control what happens to me, but I CAN control how I react to it, how I see it, and what I do about it” (credit to James Morgan and Master of Circumstance for helping me to see that…and to accept it).

I’ve spent damn near my whole life trying to be the solution to other people’s problems…to heal marriages…to answer the 911 call and fix stranger’s emergencies, to strengthen and uplift other people, to fit in and be accepted, to be the person who says “yes, I can do that for you”, to be the man who doesn’t let anyone down. Even to the point of not declining someone’s offer for a Dr. Pepper I don’t even want to drink. It’s insanity when you think about it!

Learning to take auto-pilot off is a bitch of a lesson that is taking me years to do. I’m still not there. Reprogramming a lifetime (nearly 50 years for me) of how we think, speak, act and see the world around us is not an overnight process. But it IS a process. And within that process, we will find and experience countless ups and downs, hills and valleys, forward momentum and backward movement, wins and losses, successes and failures setbacks (because it’s only a “failure” if we don’t learn from it and apply that knowledge to the next attempt). Offering ourselves grace when we get it wrong and allowing ourselves room to err is an important part of learning how to flip our auto-pilot switch off so we can grab the reigns and take control, reclaiming our power.

I don’t always recognize when my auto-pilot is on, but I do see it more now that my mind is looking for it. Sometimes, I have that Aha! moment…the epiphany right then and there…when I clearly see that I’m flying on auto-pilot, and I’m successful in taking a brief pause to flip the switch before I act or speak. Other times, I react out of habit or my fight-or-flight instinct without taking time to think, and then I catch myself in the middle of responding or reacting to the situation. More often than not, I only see it well after-the-fact, when all is said and done, and I’m left sifting through the ashes and debris of my overreaction. As I reflect back on the moment and my response, I’m able to see it for what it was…auto-pilot got me again.

And so it is with many of us, I believe. Maybe you’re reading this and you’ve figured out the mechanism to keep auto-pilot disengaged all day every day. If so, kudos! I mean it…I’m genuinely thrilled that you’ve mastered that practice. I think for the majority reading this, you can relate to that sense of just floating through life feeling helpless or out of control. We have the illusion of control, but do we really have control over anything? Other than how we think, act, speak, and frame our viewpoint of the world around us?

What part(s) of your life is on auto-pilot? What habits do you need to look at and question why? If I were to offer you a Dr. Pepper, what would you do? Would you at least look at it differently now and take a moment to reflect on it? I know my answer to that question…I’ll never see a can of Dr. Pepper the same again.

Love ya!

Dad