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Maybe I Should Have Hugged You

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It was a chance encounter, to us at least…God had it planned out long ago. Had I spent 30 seconds longer talking to that friend after our men’s Bible study…had I not sat in the parking lot for a minute after dropping him off at his car to send an email…had I not sat in the truck in my driveway scrolling through Facebook posts for 5 minutes when I got home…or had I walked around the front of the truck when I got out and straight in the house, instead of walking around behind it…it never would have happened. I was never prepared for it when I stepped out of the truck. And I regret that. Because I think I would have hugged you.

Last night was the first time we’ve talked in over a year…close to two years. It was the first time I’ve seen you in about a year. I have been praying for you every day since you left…even before that. Praying for your safety…your salvation…your life. Praying that one day our relationship would be restored. Praying that I would have the words to say when we met again. Praying that I would handle it well. I hope I did. I don’t think I did…because I think I should have hugged you.

At our men’s Bible study tonight, we talked about love. It was a great study of the Word. I thought I learned something from it. Apparently, not enough. Because I should have told you I love you. I should have asked if we could meet again. I should have invited you to church…to our next men’s group. I should have hugged you.

Maybe what little I said and did in that 4 minutes was just what God wanted me to do and nothing more. I sure hope so, because in my humanness, I can’t help but wonder if I said enough. Maybe I’ll never know. Either way, I have to trust that God is still working in your life. Maybe I’ll never see you again. I hope that’s not the case…if it is, I will forever wonder if Maybe I Should Have Hugged You. Please know that I still love you. And I always will son.

Love,

Dad

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My Deepest Condolences

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DW, where do I even begin?  We’ve had a rough go, haven’t we?  If I could go back and start over, I think I would.  There aren’t many things in my life I would say that about.  I believe that our mistakes…our hardships…our struggles…our adversity…they help to define us.  They make us who we are.  They are the steps that take us down the path of our life.  Changing even one can have a ripple effect that would change our life altogether…take us down a completely different path and alter our life forever.

There are things with you that I would do differently, though…knowing what I know now.  Having the information we had at the time, I believe we did the best we knew how.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough.  Those are my demons to deal with now, and I’m forced to move on.  Not for the reasons you may think, but because three other children are relying on me now.  I pray I learn from our relationship and apply those lessons to your adoptive siblings.  I believe God used the six years you were in our home to accomplish His will.  We may never know what that is while we’re on this side of eternity, but I believe He knew exactly what He was doing.  I have an idea what I think that might be…but that’s not something I’m read to share.

I’m writing this today because I learned yesterday of the passing of your grandma.  I am sorry for your loss.  I truly am.  Through all our differences and disagreements…through our arguments, harsh words and hurt feelings…through all of it…my heart hurts for the pain and loss you’re surely feeling.  I know she was a HUGE part of you…a rock in the stream of your life.  I pray the pain subsides quickly, though I know the void left in her absence cannot be filled.  I know the loss of a close loved one is extremely difficult, and I pray you and your family are comforted through surrounding each other with love.  I pray that the memorial service for her was filled with loved ones come to honor her life.  I pray that you can find comfort in Jesus’ arms and that God would use this difficult time in your life to draw you closer to Him.

I pray for a day when we can reconcile our relationship.  If that day does not come in my life, I will continue to pray for your safety and your relationship with God for as long as I live.  Be safe son.

Love,

Jay

My Quiver is Full

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I’m sitting here in a flood of emotion today, and it occurs to me that I think I was wrong in what started this passion for writing to you all.  When I started this blog in February 2011, I credited this post for the inspiration behind it all.  This morning, I just finished this note to SD, and as I sit here reflecting on the years gone by, I’m reminded of a little “song” I put together several years ago.  It’s been so long since I’ve seen it, it took me awhile to find it.  I call it a song loosely, because I have no musical talent…I couldn’t put together the musical composition needed to actually create a full-fledged song if I had to.  But, this is the song of my heart.  When I wrote it, I had a desire to really tell you…to show you through words and music how I feel about each of you.  I actually first wrote it shortly after NE was born, in August of 2007, and I went back after SI was born to add a section for you, adding your section in the summer of 2010, shortly after your first birthday.

It’s a dream of mine to be able to sing this to you one day…to have a song we could call our own.  Maybe a musically gifted person will read this one day and help us out with that.  🙂  For now, I’ll have to settle for sharing it here in letter form…if it never goes further than this, I’m good with that so long as you know it was written in love and lots of tears for each of you.  You each mean so much to me that words could never accurately display.  Without further delay, here is the inspiration that started it all:

Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from Him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their
enemies in the gate.

This song is inspired by each of my 4 “arrows

My Quiver Is Full

SD
When we took you in, my walk was weak.
Trapped in my sin, of God I didn’t speak.
Doctors said your heart was broke; needed repair.
To my knees I fell, in desperate prayer.
God’s plans are bigger than our own.
And now I know, it was my heart He needed to sew.
 
DW
Through no fault of your own,
Strangers came in; took you from your home.
I can’t grasp the pain you’ve seen, the hurt you’ve known.
God’s plans are bigger than our own.
It was I who needed healing, more love in my life;
He blessed ME when He brought you to our home.
 
Chorus:
As arrows for the warrior, our children are born
I’m the soldier He chose to reward.
My quiver has more than I ever dreamed
He’s given me more than I’ll ever need.
You’re the arrows of my quiver
Straight, strong, and true.
My arrow, my child from God
My reward from Him is you.
 
NE
Doctors said we’d never conceive.
In the world’s eyes, you were never s’posed to be.
The day you were born, to my knees I fell; cried like never before,
In awe of how perfect you were.
God’s plans are bigger than our own.
God’s gift to me…to bless me despite my sin.
 
SI
With news of you on the way, I laughed aloud; a sign from above
I needed more joy; more room still, for love.
Your laugh, your smile, you light up the room
God’s plans are bigger than our own.
In rhythm now, our lives in harmony
In you, God completed our family.
 
Chorus:
As arrows for the warrior, our children are born
I’m the soldier He chose to reward.
My quiver has more than I ever dreamed
He’s given me more than I’ll ever need.
You’re the arrows of my quiver
Straight, strong, and true.
My arrow, my child from God
My reward from Him is you.
 
My quiver overflows with my reward.
My child, you’re wonderful; beautiful.
Created in His image; phenomenal.
My quiver is full.  My quiver is full.




Love, Dad