I had a tough call at work yesterday…one whose images will be engrained in my mind forever. God has been teaching me lately that I cannot, on my own, bear the burden of what I see, do and experience in my job. The demons inside me only live there because I allow them to stay. I’m learning (albeit slowly) that in addition to leaving our burdens at the foot of the cross, we need someone on this earth we can confide in…someone we can bear our souls with. We are not meant to walk through our valleys alone.
“Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:11-12
I received an email this morning with a link to a video “Dancing in the Mine Fields” by Andrew Peterson. I find encouragement in this song…to know that my wife is in this “minefield” of life right alongside me. She may not always completely “get” the pain of what I’m carrying…but she “gets” me, and she’s willing to help carry my burdens with me…if I’m willing to share them with her, so that I’m stronger with her than I am alone. As a man, I have to fight the instinct to share these burdens with her because as men, it’s engrained in us from birth to be the “tough guy”…to “man up”…that men don’t cry or show emotion. However, I believe King Solomon knew that the internalization of our emotions and feelings can lead to self-destructive behavior, and he saw the strength we have in numbers.
I’m still working on the HOW part of sharing my burden of yesterday with my wife, your mom…but I know that when I’m ready, she’ll be there to let me. Because pain and suffering is not inclusive to only those in my field, I pray you boys will one day have a wife…and you, SD, will have a husband…who each “gets” you enough to let you confide the deepest secrets of the pain you will eventually have buried deep within your own soul. Please don’t carry your burdens alone. Give them first to Christ…and then share them with your spouse, because we were meant to share our burdens.
Love,
Dad
P.S. If you found this note and are particularly interested in following how I’ve been dealing with this, you can read My Scar Revealed and Looking for Hope
A Note From Dad 
Aug 30, 2012 @ 21:36:44
I’ve been in EMS almost 23 years now. I still have nightmares about some calls. Up until 2010, I had worked for my local ambulance service. It is VERY rural, my hometown has 4 stop lights. Everyone knows everyone….the good and bad side of rural EMS systems. I had to “take a break” from EMS after a series of two calls I had within a month of one another. Cardiac arrests on my grandpa and aunt. If it not were Jesus Christ, my family and friends, I would have probably never got back on the unit. I’ve taken care of many family and friends through the years, however, these two people, in particular, hit me hard and drug me down. I know Christ has placed me in my profession to be able to share His gospel, care for my fellow man and give God the glory and praise for the wisdom and deep concern for my fellow man. YOU WILL MAKE IT DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME, CHRIST WILL COMFORT AND KEEP YOU AND YOU HAVE THE PRAYERS AND SUPPORT
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Aug 30, 2012 @ 21:39:13
Of your Brothers and Sisters in Christ as well as EMS to help you carry the mental load that we tend to have. I am praying for you, brother!
In the Love of CHRIST,
SCOTT MCCLURE
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 08:31:19
Thank you Scott! I had a great discussion yesterday with my pastor, and he was able to shed some Godly light on the internal battle I’m having. I have no doubt that through the strength of Christ and the patience and love of my awesome wife I will get through this. I think more than anything I was caught off guard by these feelings. I’ve been doing this for 15 years now, so this incident wasn’t a “first” in many respects…but was a “first” in other respects…and it certainly was a first for this emotional toll I’m putting myself through. Thank you for sharing your story and for the encouragement. We certainly have to be here for each other…not only as the family of God, but as the family of EMS.
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Aug 30, 2012 @ 23:22:09
I have worked in EMS for almost 23 years now with 20 of that near 23 years at my small hometown service. We are in VERY rural area, my hometown a 4 stop lights.
The small town career in EMS is difficult an rewarding. You get to take care of people you know on a personal level ( of course, this is the downside, as well ).
A few years back, within about 2 months or so of one another, I worked cardiac arrests on my grandfather and my aunt. Our family is very close and these two calls took a toll on my emotionally. I actually took a small break from EMS due to those calls.
My family is very close, as my father passed when I was 14 years old, he was only 38. He had an aneurysm in his abdomen that ruptured. When my father passed, my relatives stepped in and all became like second parents to me,
I understand how difficult some calls are. I still have nightmares about those two calls, plus, many others I have taken care of that I know on a personal level. We, in EMS, tend to hold in our feelings too much and try to “tough it out” with discussing the calls that stick in our minds.
If it had not been for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, my family, friends ad fellow EMS personnel, would have probably got back into the ambulance. I know, without a doubt, that my job was predestined for me to do. God has blessed me with an overabundance of compassion for my fellow man, the wisdom to do the job and the drive to keep going.
Currently, I am still out of work from my third shoulder surgery, second on the right shoulder. I had 100% tears in my supraspenadus and subscapularus rotator cuff muscles and an 80% tear in my bicep tendon plus, a large area of arthritis at the AC joint on my collar bone. I had put back 6 weeks of pay for my surgery. All my other shoulder surgeries, I was back at it in 6 weeks. It has been almost 13 weeks I have been out of work ( I was released a few days ago to go back to full duty ). My Short term disability was denied, my long term disability, that I was paying weekly for, was lost in the system. the insurance company denied ever having me as a client and refused to try and help in any way. My company stood with me and tried to get the situation fixed, as they had the paperwork where it was confirmed and money being taken out for premiums.
I’ll tell ya, making 6 weeks worth of money last 13 weeks is impossible. Everytime my wife and I would think we wouldn’t be able to make the house payment, car payment, power bill, etc., my awesome God stands on his promises that he will see that our needs are met and will not place on us more than we can handle. God and only God made provisions for my family by so many different means. Just a miracle from God that we made it to the point we are at now. Just when I would want to give up, Christ would send someone or something to let us know that He is in control, even if we still have doubt at the bad times.
I am praying for God to give you closure, ease your heart and heal your mind. I truly hope that you can deal with the issue you are enduring, right now, and in the future. My God can do anything He wants to do whenever He wants to do it. He will provide whatever needs you may have and He will help with the situation you are in, now. Just keep your eyes off the ground and look to the Cross,
May God’s peace be with you, in this difficult time,
S. Scott McClure, CCEMT-P
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Aug 31, 2012 @ 08:33:11
Thank you for sharing your story Scott. I shot a prayer up for you, that God’s will would be done in your life, but that if it could include getting you back to work soon, that would be great. 🙂 Take care brother. Thank you for the encouragement.
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May 26, 2013 @ 19:20:34